#28 The Rice

The terraced rice paddies of the Thai countryside stretched for what seemed like miles before being abruptly halted by the towering walls of the valley. A humid westerly breeze caused the rice to sway about in the warm rays of the rising sun. Somehow, the rhythmic swaying of the rice brought to mind foggy images of the dancing girls in the brothel and the brief tryst of the night before. "What's the Thai word for rice paddy?" I wondered as I retrieved the dictionary from my pack. The birds were chirping now and I could hear the roosters crowing in the village downstream.

Satisfied with the new addition to my vocabulary, I placed the dictionary on my pack and prepared to conclude my a.m. bowel movement. I had no toilet paper so a dried banana leaf would have to suffice. I stood to wipe and as I did so, I could hear something crashing through the tall grass behind me. I turned sharply but it was too late. The water buffalo was upon me. I was beneath the trampling hooves in an instant. The massive beast proceeded to dance a merciless jig on my writhing body. I suppose the crunching of my bones would have made it more of a tap dance than a jig.

Anyhow, the pain was horrific. I screamed in agony as his left hind hoof came down hard on my left shoulder. It was at that precise moment that they captured my full attention. There, mere inches from my face and jiggling vigorously about in the commotion, was the most gargantuan scrotum I had ever witnessed! Those hulking behemoth nards would haunt the dreams of the ensuing coma.